Breaking up with a husband or partner brings emotional pain like no other; especially when infidelity is involved. Questions whip around your mind; like death by 1000 cuts. The inner battle is so much more damaging to your wellbeing because it’s constant. Obsessive thoughts bring us to our knees. And if this is where you are at right now, know that it will change. There are ways to free yourself. By all means allow yourself to feel the pain because running away is not the solution, but staying there long-term is like holding your hand to a hot cooker instead of choosing to nurture and heal. A break-up is like a death. It’s the death of something you knew; something that will never be the same again.
Your brain will be trying desperately to make sense of sudden abandonment or a massive change in personal circumstances. It’s literally processing like a computer search engine. If you saw The Matrix you’ll know the extent of its capabilities.
If you’re obsessing use one of these simple solutions:
Acknowledge that ‘that thought’ has returned. Ask yourself if you have any new information, if not gently lay the question to one side (you can file it under ‘unknown right now’ in your mind). Go for a walk, a shower, get a drink; anything that will move you physically from where you are right now. Breathe out, a long, slow e-x-h-a-l-e. Know that in this moment you are safe.
Write out the question. Know that the words are there as a prompt if it’s truly important. Write as many answers as you can (even ridiculous ones), and then establish what it is that you really want to know. It’s not always the answer we’re looking for that we actually need. Sometimes a question is really about us finding out if we were ever loved, or if we were enough. Know what the real question is that you are asking. Seeing it written down gets it outside of you.
Recognise that relying on an ex to give you answers is futile. The person you knew is no longer in existence. Depending on how you feel, now might be a good time to consider moving-on, and instead ask a question that serves you (ie do you really need to know how many times he cheated on you? Do you really need to know if he’s gay? Or do you need to know how to feel better today?) You are your own care-giver. Healing comes from you and knowing how to do it. If you’ve never been in this situation before how can you be expected to know?
Be sweet to yourself. The voice in your head never strays. It’s either right here loving us and giving gentle encouragement, or terrorising us with fears and criticism. You can choose.
Do you want to know how I know this works? Because I used to torment myself with questions just like you are now. It took me far too long to heal and move on. I want to help you heal with dignity. No rush, in your own time; when you’re ready.
If you do only one thing today, LOVE YOURSELF.